There is a way out of introversion (being shy and reserved) and it's not hard. You can begin to eliminate any social fear in a matter of minutes.
PREFACE
Before you read on, please consider one thing; don't let what you already know and believe squelch what you're about to read and learn. Give it a chance.
There are a few simple steps you can practice everyday that will have you socializing with others with confidence in no time.
Just remember one thing about confidence: Henry Ford said:
YOU have the power to do or not do something. It's just a matter of whether you believe, think and feel as though you can.
If you do believe you can, then you will.
If you don't believe you can, then you won't. It's that simple.
>> STEP ONE:
SAY SOMETHING
To push past being shy is only a matter of making a decision several times throughout each day. Of course remembering to do that is another issue, especially for those of us with ADD, but there are ways around that as well and we'll discuss that shortly.
What you need to remember is that YOU have to take the first step toward becoming more social and less shy.
So how do you do that?
1) Be the first to open your mouth.
The next few steps help to explain how to do that without looking like an idiot.
>> STEP TWO:
KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING
Don't say anything out of ignorance--that is to say, don't speak about a subject you know little about--simply to avoid embarrassment. Instead, you can be the first to open your mouth with a question after a statement is made by someone else. Either sincerely or pretend you're interested in the subject and ask a question that keeps the person talking.
I like to call this the "classic Jedi mind trick."
A conversation is a breathing, living thing, if you let it.
Every Living Thing Needs Food To Exist
Just as all living creatures do, a conversation needs food to keep going. Just be the one to feed the conversation and it will come to life.
On the flip side, starving "shyness" and "introversion" will kill it. Feed a conversation regularly. Get better at detecting what works well and what squelches a conversation.
Feed a dog constantly and it'll get fat. Feed a conversation regularly and it'll keep going.
Again, the object is to...
2) ...keep the other person/people talking and keep the conversation going. You just throw in a comment or question here-and-there and they do most of the talking.
This works especially well if you're familiar with the subject. Just remember to talk less than the other person.
If you're feeling a little extra spunky one day, break out of the mold (reservation) and initiate a conversation by asking a question.
Use the following simple model:
Question > comment > question > question > comment > question...
...any variation of that would do fine, just as long as it suits the conversation you're having.
How does this work, you may ask?
Fact: The Jedi mind trick works!
People like to hear themselves talk. Take advantage of that fact and get the other person/people to do all the talking. You'll end up controlling the conversation and they won't even know you're the one in control. It's classic Jedi mind trick.
Just feed the person's conversation with relevant questions and BRIEF related comments and what becomes of that will amaze you.
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE
As long as you keep asking related questions and/or inserting a BRIEF comment here-and-there that's relevant to the subject being discussed, the other person/people won't even realize what's happening because they're concentrating on answering your questions or expanding on your BRIEF but relevant comments.
The more you apply this to your life, the farther from "shy" you will become.
Technique:
You can make this easier and even fun by making it a game only you know about and enjoy. Apply what you've just learned by practicing on family and friends. Once you get better at this, go to a party and try it before a group. You can also involve a partner in the game only you two know about and watch what happens--it's pretty cool.
When you involve a partner in the Jedi mind trick, the dynamic changes a bit because the results are exponential. Your partner's feeding off your comments or questions, and you're feeding off their comments or questions, and you're both feeding off of the others' statements. It usually turns into an interesting conversation.
3) Apply what you've learned:
- Set out to involve yourself in a discussion with the intention of keeping the conversation going for a while using the "Jedi mind trick."
- If you're not comfortable making a comment, then ask a question.
- The person will almost always answer your question, then...
- Repeat the steps above over-and-over and keep the conversation going.
- Don't become the one that "knows everything." Nobody likes a know-it-all.
- Try and learn something from the conversation's subject during the process. It will also make the other person feel as though they're teaching someone...as a result they'll be feeding the process off their pride.
- Remember that people like to hear themselves talk...also feeding the process off their pride.
- In the process, interject a BRIEF but relevant comment every now-and-then to subliminally confirm to them you're still listening and still interested. NOTE the key word is BRIEF.
- Everybody hates it when someone steals the conversation away from them, so DON'T take over the conversation!
>> STEP FOUR:
SAFE TOPICS
Next choose your words and subjects wisely. Avoid discussions that are controversial until you're ready for opposition. You need to be comfortable with the subject for the "Jedi mind trick" to be affective.
4) Topics that are almost always SAFE include but are not limited to discussions involving:
- Music (DON'T slam someone's choice of music!)
- Where they go to school / work (Don't slam what they do!)
- Their subject they study / what they do for work (Don't slam what they do or will do!)
- Movies (DON'T slam a movie they love!)
- Books (DON'T slam a book they liked!)
- Hobbies (Don't slam their hobbies!)
Did you notice a trend there? NEVER SLAM SOMEONE'S OPINION about any subject! Have some respect for other peoples likes and dislikes regardless of what you think or how you feel.If you go around slamming what other people do by choice, you can be guaranteed you won't have many friends.
Note: I'm not suggesting you be spineless or a push-over.
You can have an opinion which may be different or the opposite of someone else's opinion, but you don't have to be a jerk either. Learn to be tolerant of others and respect their individuality. The last thing we need is for everyone to be the same, right?
Topics to STAY AWAY FROM include but are not limited to discussions involving:
- Religion (DON'T slam someone's choice of religion!)
- Politics (Don't slam their political party!)
Until you're comfortable with STRONG opposition and heated discussions, I highly suggest you avoid those subjects! If the other person/people share the same feelings about religion or politics that you share, then and only then is it safe to involve yourself in a discussion with them...and even then it could get ugly.
>> STEP FIVE:
REMIND YOURSELF DAILY TO PRACTICE THESE TECHNIQUES
A person can change or create a habit by being exposed to some sort of reminder daily for 22 days in a row (without a break). So, how do you do that?
5) Create a reminder that you are guaranteed to see every day at least once.
Write a BRIEF note on a 3 x 5 card or a piece of paper stating your intention. For example a note might read:
- "Open Your Mouth!" or
- "Become Involved In A discussion!" or
- "Make It A Game!" or
- "Say Something!" or
- "Ask a question! or
- "Make a comment!"
Then, tape or hang the note just above the door knob of your room door or the front door. Other good places include taping the note on the mirror in the bathroom or on the fridge in the kitchen.
The point is to put the note in a place where you are sure to see it daily on one or more occasions to remind you of your task.
>> STEP SIX:
BE THE FIRST TO SAY HELLO
Every time you walk into a room and know someone, DON'T wait for them to acknowledge your first, but instead let them know you noticed them by saying hello--and include their name! (i.e. "Hey! What's up Zach?)
If someone you know walks into the room you're in, acknowledge them right away by saying "hello" and including their name. (i.e. "Hello April!")
When you include their name, there is no question who you're talking to and the ball's in their court.
IMPORTANT:
Some people won't respond when you're the first to say hello because of a myriad of possible reasons, so don't get all bent out of shape when this happens. Just keep being the first to say hello no matter what. They'll come around eventually (days, weeks even months later) and you will have made it comfortable for them to be around you.
>> STEP SEVEN:
DEALING WITH FAILURE
As with all things and every person, you can count on one thing for sure. Expect to fail sometimes.
There will be times when all the practice in the world didn't prepare you for that one subject or that difficult person. Regardless of the reason, it's NORMAL to fail miserably.
Just know that the sun will shine again. The sun and moon will continue to rise and set and the night will eventually end. The desert is not forever.
Thomas Edison was quoted as saying: "I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways of not making a light bulb."
In your "Jedi mind trick" exploits, you will encounter those sessions where you discovered a way not to feed a discussion. Learn from that experience and move on. Overcome and adapt.
If you fall to pieces after one or several failures and don't collect those pieces and put them back together, then you're choosing to fail and that doesn't count. You can't blame it on technique.
Abraham Lincoln had seven major failures in his life before he experienced what he considered success. You might be lucky and only have three failures...or you might have 12 failures before your first success. The point is to press on to get to that first success so you can taste the sweetness that will keep you going for more.
You can overcome being shy. It's your decision. Either you can or you can't and either way, you're right. It's up to you.
>> STEP EIGHT:
BODY LANGUAGE (NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION)
If someone sticks out their tongue at you, they didn't say a thing but they spoke clearly, didn't they? Again, if someone waves their fist or finger in your face and scowls at you, they didn't say a thing but you heard them loud-and-clear, right?
Fact:
Body language can be up to 90-something percent of a conversation at times. Even more when you experience the examples above. So, take advantage of that fact. Find out about the person you're talking to without asking a question at all by watching their body language.
If a girl keeps toying with a guy's watch or keeps pulling the string on his hooded sweatshirt, you know she's most likely interested in him. Flirting is an indirect and fairly obvious way of saying something without speaking the words out loud--non-verbal communication.
If the person you're talking to keeps looking away and is only giving simple and brief answers, chances are they're not interested in that subject. So try another subject until they lighten up and participate more in the conversation.
If nothing seems to work, they're probably really tired, or distracted with some event that took place earlier in the day, or a myriad of other possible reasons. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Until they tell you why, don't assume anything...and be careful asking them why they seem glum or reserved.
If you're bold enough to ask them why they're so stand-offish, 1) expect an honest answer (positive or negative) and 2) expect a slap or something (depending on the person and why they're so cold). Do that at your own risk!
>> STEP NINE:
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW AND KEEP IN MIND
Things you should probably know and remember include but are not limited to:
>> STEP SIX:
BE THE FIRST TO SAY HELLO
Every time you walk into a room and know someone, DON'T wait for them to acknowledge your first, but instead let them know you noticed them by saying hello--and include their name! (i.e. "Hey! What's up Zach?)
If someone you know walks into the room you're in, acknowledge them right away by saying "hello" and including their name. (i.e. "Hello April!")
When you include their name, there is no question who you're talking to and the ball's in their court.
IMPORTANT:
Some people won't respond when you're the first to say hello because of a myriad of possible reasons, so don't get all bent out of shape when this happens. Just keep being the first to say hello no matter what. They'll come around eventually (days, weeks even months later) and you will have made it comfortable for them to be around you.
>> STEP SEVEN:
DEALING WITH FAILURE
As with all things and every person, you can count on one thing for sure. Expect to fail sometimes.
There will be times when all the practice in the world didn't prepare you for that one subject or that difficult person. Regardless of the reason, it's NORMAL to fail miserably.
Just know that the sun will shine again. The sun and moon will continue to rise and set and the night will eventually end. The desert is not forever.
In your "Jedi mind trick" exploits, you will encounter those sessions where you discovered a way not to feed a discussion. Learn from that experience and move on. Overcome and adapt.
If you fall to pieces after one or several failures and don't collect those pieces and put them back together, then you're choosing to fail and that doesn't count. You can't blame it on technique.
Abraham Lincoln had seven major failures in his life before he experienced what he considered success. You might be lucky and only have three failures...or you might have 12 failures before your first success. The point is to press on to get to that first success so you can taste the sweetness that will keep you going for more.
You can overcome being shy. It's your decision. Either you can or you can't and either way, you're right. It's up to you.
>> STEP EIGHT:
BODY LANGUAGE (NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION)
If someone sticks out their tongue at you, they didn't say a thing but they spoke clearly, didn't they? Again, if someone waves their fist or finger in your face and scowls at you, they didn't say a thing but you heard them loud-and-clear, right?
Fact:
Body language can be up to 90-something percent of a conversation at times. Even more when you experience the examples above. So, take advantage of that fact. Find out about the person you're talking to without asking a question at all by watching their body language.
If a girl keeps toying with a guy's watch or keeps pulling the string on his hooded sweatshirt, you know she's most likely interested in him. Flirting is an indirect and fairly obvious way of saying something without speaking the words out loud--non-verbal communication.
If the person you're talking to keeps looking away and is only giving simple and brief answers, chances are they're not interested in that subject. So try another subject until they lighten up and participate more in the conversation.
If nothing seems to work, they're probably really tired, or distracted with some event that took place earlier in the day, or a myriad of other possible reasons. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Until they tell you why, don't assume anything...and be careful asking them why they seem glum or reserved.
If you're bold enough to ask them why they're so stand-offish, 1) expect an honest answer (positive or negative) and 2) expect a slap or something (depending on the person and why they're so cold). Do that at your own risk!
>> STEP NINE:
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW AND KEEP IN MIND
Things you should probably know and remember include but are not limited to:
- Use the who-what-where-when-why-how technique. All questions center around one of those words:
- Who was involved?
- What else happened?
- Where did this happen?
- When did that happen?
- Why did/didn't someone do something?
- How did you hear about it?
- etc, etc, etc.
- DON'T criticize or judge they're answer or comment! Who are you to say what's good and bad for them? Tearing down someone else's opinion of something will build a barrier around them that you won't be able to tear down anytime soon, if ever. Trust me on that one! It's guaranteed to separate you from them for a long time.
- Women like to talk WAY more than men, so target them for a confidence builder.
- Get to a subject the other person gets excited about as soon as possible--things are easier when the other person is really interested in the conversation. For example:
- A student will usually willingly talk about their major and their school. Ask them who they live with; what their major is all about (you probably know, just let them tell you); where they came from (local resident; out-of-state; out-of-country); when they graduate; why they chose that field of study; how they like it (still or considering changing major/schools).
- Someone wearing a T-Shirt they purchased at a concert will most likely be very happy to talk about the experience. Ask how it was; who they went with; where it was held; how long ago did it happen; what other bands played; why did they choose that band (of course it's easy to figure out it's probably one of their favorite bands, but let them tell you.
- If they're carrying a book, ask who wrote it; what the book's about; where is the story centered; when does it take place (middle ages, the future, the present); why are they reading it (pleasure; for school; for work); how did they hear about it?
- Bring up a current movie and ask them if they saw it yet; would they watch it; who's in the movie (you probably already know, but let them tell you); do they like the actors; which is their favorite actor (kind-of changing the subject but the topic is still related); where they saw it; who they went with?
- Until you get to know someone well as a friend, try to avoid probing-personal questions. Keep to the safe questions until they are more comfortable with you.
- Don't be surprised if eventually, over time, someone tells you they're really comfortable talking to you. It happens! Trust me. They'll say things like "I feel like I can tell you anything," or "you're easy to talk to." YEAH! You're letting them do most of the talking and you're feeding the conversation.
- Watch the person's body language. If they begin to seem un-interested, either change the subject to another safe subject or be the one to end the conversation. They'll probably feel bad cutting you off, so do it for them.
Go over these simple rules regularly and put them to good use and watch what happens.
You'll develop better social skills and make new or better friends almost immediately. Test me on this!
